Searching for control is often the focal point of therapy. What can I do to change? What can I do differently? What can I do right now to feel better? If control isn’t easily visible it can feel like searching for a life jacket once you’ve already fallen off the boat. Often our mental health is a result of feeling as if we are drowning, in a dark ocean with no floatation device.
Usually control is a tangible entity, such as control over your environment or your behaviors. Like a life jacket, it is a concrete concept that represents safety. Clients often will say, “If my husband and I would just change this, our relationship would be better.” Or “If I could just quiet these thoughts, I would be more productive.”
Often clients wonder… “what do I do if there is nothing I can do?” “What if there is no identifiable thing I can control?” Maybe you are a teenager living in a house that does not allow you to access your autonomy or your opinions. Maybe you were diagnosed with a life-altering illness. Maybe you feel like you have done everything you can, but it is your spouse that isn’t putting in the same amount of work. Or maybe you’ve been drowning for so long that you don’t know where to look for that next breath of air.
It is important to understand the role of hope when control is no where to be found. Hope is control placed in the future, it creates a vision and possible guide to a time when control is more accessible. For hope to have a direction, it must come with intentions. Hope with intentions is imperative to getting through a chaotic environment. These intentions may be sprinkled with control that you didn’t even know you had. Maybe it is a more abstract concept or a smaller change you can make until that life jacket becomes visible again. Examples may include practicing a different mindset or setting emotional boundaries. It can mean taking time for yourself each day to set intentions or remind yourself of your part in the pattern. Intentions can create control within your emotions, for example: “I am not going to let my trauma define me today” or “I am going to try and find the positives at school today, because I know that is my safe place away from home.” Maybe it is as small as taking control in therapy, and deciding what to process or talk about that day. These sprinkles of control give us the strength to kick our foot and swim just a little longer until we reach the boat.
Therapy is not a linear journey, and often times it can feel discouraging if you cannot find elements of control in your daily life. It can feel chaotic and draining. Working with a therapist can help you sift through the negative thoughts and energy that keep you from moving forward. Often we have control that we cannot see right away, and it takes creativity and patience to find these. Maybe we don’t have a life jacket but we have a rope thrown to us from the boat, or a supportive person reminding us of our strength so we can tread water a little longer. Our mind tends to search for the negative, but with practice and self-grace you can begin to see elements of control and strength once again.
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