Human beings all have needs. Too often, these needs pop up in our heads as thoughts or emotions and we tend to push them away. We keep these needs locked away until we can convince ourselves that there is a perfect time to let them out. Excuses that tighten that lock are often: “It isn’t the right time.” “I don’t want to ruin the night by bringing this up.” “What if they don’t respond in the right way?”
It is interesting how something as simple as a basic need can feel so heavy and daunting. Sometimes we are conditioned to not think our needs are valid or good enough. Many people can recall a time, maybe in an unhealthy relationship with a partner or during childhood, that they expressed their needs and it was met with dismissal or even aggression. This creates barriers that form around our emotional needs like a cage, and that lock gets harder and harder to break open.
There are many forms of basic needs. Physical needs are reflected in actions: “I need space right now” or “I need more help with the chores.” Emotional needs are a bit more complex: “I need to feel more wanted in our relationship”, “I need more support during this transition” or “I need to feel validated in the way I am feeling.” For a relationship to build trust and connection, it is important to have our emotional needs heard and validated.
There are many reasons one may feel uncomfortable or lost when it comes to communicating emotions. Specifically, maybe you want to communicate but you aren’t sure where to start. I often hear, “How can I communicate what I want if I don’t know what that is!”. It can feel frustrating not understanding your emotions in the moment, or what would make you feel better. Maybe your culture did not support emotional expression, or maybe your childhood environment was not a safe space to express yourself. Maybe your gender or status told you certain emotions were more socially acceptable than others.
Traumatic experiences or unsupportive childhoods often create barriers to emotional understanding and regulation, therapy can be a safe place to process these barriers to recreate confidence in understanding your feelings.
Some people are able to identify their emotions, but the weight of trauma forces them to shut down in the moment. Trauma can feel like a heavy weight on your chest that keeps you from speaking your mind. It may feel similar to having the wind knocked out of you. That pressure keeps those emotional needs locked away. Maybe your current partner is supportive, but that weight from your past relationship still lies heavy on your chest, telling you your opinion or emotions don’t matter.
Emotions have the power to shut us down or guide us in the right direction. Support of loved ones or a therapist can help you find that direction. Understanding and overcoming these barriers can increase our ability to cope with mental health symptoms. It can also lead to more fulfilling relationships and overall confidence in what you deserve. Try identifying your barriers to expressing yourself, write them down, and bring them to your next therapy session.
Examples of some barriers:
-Childhood or relational trauma
-Negative, anxious internal voice
-“What if” thoughts
-Not understanding what your needs are
-Unhealthy current environment
-Not knowing the words to express yourself
-Physical symptoms of anxiety or trauma
Reflecting on these barriers in therapy can help us overcome our past and vocalize what is important. Do you feel like your needs are being met?
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