Parents who have had difficult or traumatic childhoods often have the same questions. How do I provide a more healthy childhood, one that I didn't have? How do I balance what I experienced, with what I know now? How do I not repeat the same generational patterns that have caused me pain?
There are also those that have had wonderful childhoods, but maybe cultural differences or new transitions have called for adjustments with parenting. How do I set boundaries without seeming like the "bad guy" all the time? How can I provide fun and adventure, but still be respected?
The most important thing to guide us in parenting is: What kind of adult do I want my child to grow into? Most people want their children to grow into responsible, respectful, self sufficient adults who can look back on positive memories as a child. If you have no boundaries, your child will grow up without the foundation of knowing basic organization skills or responsibilities. If you have too many strict rules, your child will grow up with a lack of understanding of emotional vulnerability and a rigid mindset.
The key is to balance love and structure. In a two parent household, this may be a difficult balance. There may be one parent who is the disciplinarian and one parent who is the nurturer. This is common in most households, however both parents should feel comfortable stepping into the other role when needed.
Many parents are afraid of seeming too harsh, but a balance of structure is important for raising a healthy young person. Simple chore lists, boundaries to teach respect, and general timelines for routine can be a good way to incorporate structure. Each family should find a set of guidelines and structure that work for them.
On the other side of the coin... there is also fun and playfulness! Having a set structure and rules will leave less time for bargaining and arguing with your little one. They will begin to associate negative behaviors with consequences, and learn to follow rules and timelines. This leaves more time for play and creativity. Bargaining can create stress and wasted time for a parent... structure actually saves you time and leaves parents feeling less stressed and more confident in their parenting skills.
When setting structure, parents may feel guilt or disagree with their partner on where to start. It is important to discuss these emotions in therapy and start in a place that works for you. It is important to remember: a few days or weeks of uncomfortable transitions may be the change your child needs to grow into a healthy adult.
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